Monday, August 8, 2011

Up Close & Personal

This is a post that I have been contemplating writing for a year.  It's very personal, sad, and emotional so beware. I feel hopeful that sharing my thoughts might let more healing take place.

My father passed away last year, and we are soon approaching the 1 year "anniversary" (if you call it that...doesn't sound appropriate because it is not a celebration like anniversaries usually are).  This is by far the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life and I still feel like I have not come to terms with it all.  He died in a fatal car accident.  I think the hardest part about accepting his death is thinking about the way it happened.  For some reason I cannot let go because it happened so suddenly and so unexpectedly. I still have the images in my head. I can't let go and stop thinking, was he in pain?  Did he suffer?  How long did he have to suffer?  I can't stop dwelling on these thought.  I wish there was some way I could find peace in these thoughts.

I remember finding out and the sting that I felt.  Like I could literally feel my heart breaking.  I collapsed. My daughter was only three months old.  He couldn't go now!  I need him and my kids need a grandfather.  He left behind three other children and they all need him, too.  I remember thinking "I am only 24!  This is too young to have to bury a parent".  I wasn't prepared to handle this.  He never got a chance to see my son start kindergarten or my daughter take her first steps.  Its so sad that my daughter wont even remember him, all that we have are pictures to show her of him holding her when she was just weeks old.  My son has vague memories of him and I pray that his little brain holds on to those memories forever because they are so special.

There is so much that he is missing out on and it kills me. I feel like sometimes my hurt with all this is more selfish then anything and I need to let go of the hurt and anger.  I trust the words "he is still with me, he can still see my children grow, he will always be with us".  I say those words to myself all the time when I'm missing him, but there is still an open wound that I can't seem to close.

I feel like at times, I am handling it all so well... Then I see a movie on about a girl and her dad and I start crying out of nowhere.  Or I hear a song on the radio about death and I start crying.  Then all the feelings of grief and sadness come flooding back and it feels as painful as it did the first day.  I always heard the first year is the hardest, and "time heals all".  If that's true then why does it still hurt so bad?  Have any of you lost a loved one and how did you deal with it? 

This song by Perry that I posted below always gets to me the most.  It is such a beautiful song and the words seriously pull at the heart strings.  I mean literally every time it's on in the car I turn it up loud and sing the words while crying like a crazy woman.  I don't want to ever forget my dad and his memory will always be in my heart... I just wish there was a way I could find relief from the pain.

"We are confident, I say, and willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord." - 2 Corinthians 5:8


Erika Lee Sears said...

my little heart goes out to your lose. i don't think i could say anything to make it better but you are brave and strong- and life is a crazy thing.

Samantha said...

This post hits so close to home for me. Although it wasn't my father, my grandpa passed away in June of this year. He was like my father and was my only dad growing up. It's only been a few months, but every single time I hear that song, I think of him and can't help but cry a little. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Be strong! And remind your children of all the memories you had with your dad. :)